Cereal for Supper: Self-Care for the Sandwich Generation
A little over two years ago, my beloved father passed away. It was a huge loss to all of us, but especially to my mom. I began to go with her to all of her medical appointments. And because of her macular degeneration and some other factors, I took over the managing of her bills and such. She just couldn’t see most of it very well.
A year later, her retina specialist told her to “put your keys on the dresser,” and that was the end of her independence. Granted, she was still living on her own, although she had moved from her home of 40-plus years to a garden home community. But not driving anymore changed so much of her life. It also changed a lot of mine, since I am the first line of defense for most everything that needs to be done for her. Suddenly, I found myself as part of the “sandwich generation,” and neither my family nor I was prepared.
The “sandwich generation” refers to those who are taking care of both kids and parents at the same time. It looks different for each family, depending on who the players are. Sometimes the kids are younger like mine. Sometimes the kids have moved back home after having left once already. Sometimes the parent is still living independently but needs help to stay that way. Sometimes the parent has to move in because of health reasons. No matter how it looks, the person in the middle now has to juggle more issues, more temperaments, and more transitional stages all without any extra time or help in the day.
As this happened in my life, I have to admit that the stress of it all was pretty heavy. And while I’m still figuring a lot out, I’ve come up with some self-care tips for the Middle of the Sandwich people. (And these tips don’t require you to have money for a massage or two extra hours in an already overbooked day.)
1) Realize and Relax. The often sudden changes in your life can feel like a death. What you had is now gone. It’s okay to have some feelings you didn’t expect. But your routine is going to be different and you are likely going to have to give up some things that no one else sees. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you had. Don’t pretend that everything is “fine”.
2) Accept and Smile. You can’t keep everything the same for everyone else either. Perfection doesn’t exist. Here’s what you do: the best you can with the time you have. And then you tell yourself you’re a Rockstar and the stuff that couldn’t happen isn’t going to change the world. (PS: I have a rock of a husband and incredible kids supporting me, and I still struggle with this one.)
3) Think To Feel. What you think creates how you feel. Even sneaky thoughts like “I finally made it through this long day” create a need for healing. Instead, think “I’m proud of myself for today’s work,” and that will create a lovely feeling of peace. (And you might even avoid diving into a bag of chips - something I did WAY too many times. And I have the extra 25 lbs to prove it.)
Being a multi-generation caregiver is tough at times, but self-care makes the hard parts less icky. They gave to us, we are giving to our kids, and the circle will continue. Just Self-Care, so the circle doesn’t make you dizzy. And oh yeah, Good Job, Rockstar.
