A “Good Mother” and a “Good Father” Both Do This

Sometimes, knowledge and insight come to us in the form of an unexpected question.

The other day, my college-student son had an assignment where he had to interview me for his anthropology class. Since the Covid-19 pandemic has forced his classes online, and he’s been living with me instead of in the dormitory, it was an easy and fun assignment to do together.

I didn’t realize his questions would make me think in new ways about what it means to be a mom … and be a dad.

This was basically the essence of his question: What makes a great mom, and what makes a great dad?

My first instinct was to answer with the old standbys, the ideas that are today controversial in some circles, but in others, accepted as fact. I almost replied that moms provide the nurturing, and dads provide life skills and grow strength in their children. I almost said these things. Because … well, you know … getting at the truth of this is difficult.

Whole books are written about the roles of male and female parents. Scientific studies are done. It’s debated by psychologists. By researchers. By politicians. By everyday moms and dads. I asked myself: Who am I to know? Why does my opinion matter?

Then, as if in a moment of real insight, it came to me in a flash: A GOOD MOM IS THE SAME AS A GOOD DAD.

With both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day on the horizon, this idea is relevant. I give you my opinion — completely personal and non-scientific — to either agree with or argue against. It’s your choice. In my opinion, the inquiry shouldn’t be about what makes moms and dads different, about what separates them in their functions as parents. It should be about the commonality. It should be about what unites them.

What these two roles have in common — arguably, the most important roles filled by adults in any culture at any time — is that both are aimed at helping a child grow into his or her true self. Are our roles as parents to change the child’s personality — to make a son or daughter “better,’ “smarter,” “nicer,” “stronger,” “prettier,” “more sporty,” “more popular,” or the real big thing for most parents — “higher achieving” — or, should the job be to help them find their true selves?

Shouldn’t our jobs be to help them grow into what they actually are, instead of into an illusion of what we might dream of? Shouldn’t our jobs be to help them become the best versions of what they actually are, instead of being part of a planned effort to shape them into something they aren’t?

Nurturing, building strength and character, imparting morality, teaching life skills … all of it … isn’t about changing our kids, and isn’t about doing “male parenting” or “female parenting” (whatever the heck those terms mean anyway). It’s about doing whatever it takes to help the true personality — and true wishes and dreams — come to the fore. It’s about helping our kids thrive well in their own skins.

So, in my opinion — which may be no better than yours, since it’s just opinion — questions about the differences between moms and dads might be real, and worth studying by those more educated and advanced than myself. When it comes to parenting, however, I just want my kids to be … happy. There’s probably a “mom” way to do that — and a “dad” way to do that — but the lines are blurred (especially in the 21st century), and the point is lost when we pick love apart instead of simply letting it alone to do its thing.

In my mind — confused and unlearned as it still is — I simplify this by likening parenting to gardening. If an oak acorn sprouts, it makes the most sense for the gardener to train and prune and fertilize it to become the best oak tree it can be. It’s easier than pruning back its roots — and bending its branches — and stiffening it with copper wire — to make it into a perfect little Bonsai. The oaktree’s nature never intended that for one second.

To “shape” a child away from his or her natural personality is akin to pruning her roots or bending his limbs.

A good mom and a good dad both help ground those roots deep, add the right amount of fertilizer, and allow those branch canopies to spread as far, wide, high, and yes … wild … as they please.